jojo ♥

Wednesday, February 10

I suppose everyone's characters and behaviors are influenced and shaped by our thought leaders and people around us. Simply, we are who we are because of the people, things and events in our lives.

Which do sounds a lot like common sense I conced.

I just happened to come upon the idea of the make-up of my own personality. It's not sudden; more like something I gave a little thought to time to time. Like, how I tend to be strong. I don't always succeed but as long as no one really knows that the strong facade is not more than just that, it didn't matter.

So I believe children from divorced families would turn out just fine, I believe poor families don't necessarily have it worse off than richer families, I believe unfair social norms are rubbish (such as, that polytechnics are for dumb people).

Sometimes, what I believe in affects no one at all but me. To cite an oft used scenario: I picked poly, for a small part, to show people that reasonably smart people (I like to think my O Levels grades were quite decent) do pick polytechnics. In the end, it changes no one's perception and only lessens my chance of making it to local universities. Silly at best, aren't I?

I admit it was a foolish thing to do. After all, what can one do but move with social norms? I could very well be a first year student now. Or not. Hmm.

But like I said, being strong - and therefore, independent and reliable - is something I try to be. More likely than not, it stemmed from not wanting to conform to the stereotypes set by society; especially one I didn't like at all. I would like to be different from the stereotypical, and be just another wallflower. Did it matter if I am not quite that independent and reliable, that I truly need someone to hold my hands, that I need friends?

I hope not.

I hope no one saw through my facade.

I think being attached to Michael for a year and 5 months made me trust him, care a lot for him, really really like him and love him. Our ups and downs helps us grow, and I really care so much that I hope whatever differences or fights we have will always always be resolved - and quickly! Haha.

I think I may very well suffer without him. I'd love to tell him, but it may inflate his more than healthy ego!

Being attached to such a guy also make me lose my independence. I'm not sure I saw it as a good thing at first - it felt like a threat to my system. Honestly, Michael is my first real boyfriend. I have never felt such a loss of control. I was so unused to my dependence on him - I seek his opinion about things most random, have a need to tell him about my thoughts that I usually only share with HuiJing when my brain threatens to explode from 'over-bottling' (which is not often), have a unexplainable need to want him by my side and hug him all the time. I suppose I required a huge overhaul on my system - I was that uncomfortable with losing what I considered myself.

But looking back now, this is me. Behind the strong person I try to be, I am this independent girl but at times needy girlfriend, this strong nothing-can-go-wrong worrywart, this reliable person who also needs to rely on people around me. Now, was that so bad?

Side note: I shall try not to worry about universities!!

P.S. I hearts you, Michael Foo.

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