jojo ♥

Friday, July 17

I marvel at how I managed to convince myself last night that I am, in reality, a passive person.

Am I?
What rubbish.

I'm probably the most sensitive person
[or so it seems now to my very deluded and sleepy self],
and the one who hurts the most at the littlest things.

Things that some don't even register.

Which is weird, because they make such a fuss about the most insignificant stuff.
[Again, to my deluded / sleepy / probably insensitive self]

Maybe I just appear passive because I act like I don't feel.
Which is real most of the time;
I mean, I really can't muster a scream every time I see a bug or something.
Or every time something 'bad' happen.

I'm thoroughly impressed by those who can though.
Like seriously, how often can you shriek in a day?

So I was thinking,
maybe my appearing passive convinced me that I am a really passive person!
That would make sense.

Which, as I was telling SC a while back, is really useful.
Every time I feel terrible at some little thing,
that no one seems to get,
I don't feel odd.
I can try ignoring it.
Then I can be a little happier.

But I don't seem to well.... feel!
There seem to be side effects.
When I watch really sad movies, I don't cry anymore.
'Spooky' movies don't spook me, and sad tragedies don't get me down.

I wanted so very much to really bawl my eyes out and then laugh at my silliness,
I actually watched a sad Indian film well into the A.M.s!

It's really sad - the guy's a spy and he had to leave his beloved and child,
betray his government and country,
and was eventually killed by his patriotic wife.
But I sat there like a goon, tearless and still waiting to cry as the credits roll.

Which was really retarded - all I got for my trouble was eye bags.
That's probably why I am so tired, even now.

I feel like hiding, with just 10kg of chocolates [pralines and dark please] and my laptop. And a really sad book - I want to try again!

Then I can hide in a little corner,
crouched over the screen and popping chocolates like crazy.
Which is so very irresponsible.
And the part of me that looks/is 25 will disagree so very much.

But there are times I feel like just taking a swipe at the insensitive people.
If someone find fault with you, please don't do me the favour too, 'friend'.
And when you need to fit in, you don't use me.
When you need someone to help cover your meaningless lie, don't ask me.

If you can't be bothered, well, I can't be either.

Andddd! My Own Life - where?
HuiJing is right - I need my own life.
Mommy says so too.

Well, define 'my own life' to me then.
Does that mean doing whatever I want - whenever?
Should I care if those things barge into my time with important people?
Do I go ahead, because it's my life;
and believe that if they really care,
they wouldn't blame me for not having time for them?

Because if that's the case,
I would love to get another job and slog myself to death.
I would love to go overseas, and build schools and villages.
I would love to learn driving and save up for a beat-up junk.
I would love to do things I like more.

That will be awesome,
but I would feel so guilty, and so mean.
If I were them, I would feel hurt.
Which is why, I don't do it - so far.

Should I really have my own life, all the way?
Which sounds silly, 'cause it's mine.

I think I just needed to rant.
And I'm really glad I'm surrounded by awesome friends. :D

09:45