yes yes, i havent been updating anywhere. not on my blog..not in my diary.. i swear, i'll do it when i finish my Os. it's a promise.

anyway, fast forward to my present life - everything the future me needs to know can be found from my little green book.. if it's possible. or else, just scowl. *smiles sweetly* - khaiyew just, okay, 6days ago, asked me to stead. (there's so may punctations that i dont even know if it's grammatically correct!!) i told him, very simply, that i needed to think. did i? serves me right for not updating. i said i needed to think because im not sure blah blah. i think so. but the thing is, im seriously not sure now. sure, he's nice. godiva, fish&co, genki sushi, swensens cake and all that sure proves it. plus the times when he's simply sweet and nice.

but. im sorry for sounding shallow yet i cant help but wish he's a little more handsome, a little more.. guy-ish? like, broad shoulders? not skin and bones! and i really dont like that moustache. it's..weird! oh lord, help! im being so picky i know but.. i read the old messages he sent me and came across one tha said he liked me formy 'feminine attraction'. that's when i realized im only liking him for his being sweet and all but not as a guy guy. you get it? oh please say you do! jingwen and lianghao find it dumb. alright alright, i supposed i could give it a shot like they say but isnt that kinda mean? i guess i can explain that we'll just try it out and mean no promises whatsoever but it's like.. why did i only realize why i like him now?! what a big deal of trouble! i dont want to hurt him. he's part of my life now (just as all my friends are), as silly as tht sounds, and i cant imagine not hanging out with him anymore. not caling him. not saying hi. it's WEIRD.

this ironic. i like clarence for excatly the opposite reason. clarence is a total bastard, i can agree on that. but, i liked him for his arrogance, his confidence, his guy-ish factors. (though his build isnt anywhere there.)

i guess i really understood myself somehow while not knowing. didnt i say i wish i could jus blend this two guys?

so now what? i dont know why the hell im thinking so far into the future with khaiyew. im talking about houses and careers, and whatever people who are very serious talk about. though we adopt a joking tone. i suppose i dont like the idea of steading just cause you like me and im slightly attracted to you kinda deal. maybe it's the books i read, maybe it's simply me.. but i believe in that. i think you ought to really want to get to know the person, like him in ALL aspects and be really serious before getting commited. after all, isnt that what's it's about? to be really serious and not treat it as a fling? you dont have to stead to play around.

you know, im really starting to believe in love at first sight kinda thing. not excatly love everything abt that person but you know, start liking him fo his looks, as shallow as it is. then when you get to know the person, you'll be able to check out his personality and all that. you'll find his flaws, see if you can accept -not overlook- them. and if, and i really believe in this, you can see yourself with him in the long haul, then you'll really in love. cheesy? maybe. but i believe in this. i think it really works.

back to where i was. i never really noticed khaiyew before, and when i started to,it's because he's my friends' friend. after that he proved to be quite a guy. nice, sweet and everything you know. but i dont think it's possible to love him. i mean, me love him, impossible. no offense, there's just isnt the sizzle -oops, funny word!- no matter how well we ge along.he's like turning into my best guy friend. i like him because he's nice. i do get irritated when he uses funny english or when he tells super super cold jokes - that is a no no, minus times when you really feel damn hyper and find every darn thing hilarious.

yep, im done. im gonnasho huijing and see what she says. i dont believe of all my friends, none would share the same opinion or at least agree that this is the case for me. gambate.